I love this place, I really really do, the people are amazing, my new friends are incredible, it's beautiful here (beautiful in an everything-is-the-same-color-beige kindof way), and I love practicing my arabic. So note that this is coming from my background of Western Liberal Feminism. As you also all know, I go to Scripps WOMENS college.
So, for all my fellow women back in the states, please take advantage of the freedoms that you have. To be clear, this means nothing about Jordanian women being un-free, womens rights here are incredible, women are treated with a huge amount of respect. When men walk in front of women down the street it is not because they feel themselves to be superior, but because they are protecting their wife or friend or daughter, they want to protect them if anyone comes up to them. And this is not some 'patriarchal illusion' that needs to be fought by some neo-liberals like the Femme movement (to all those women I spoke with who told me the femme movement was purely good while I went on and on about the disgusting problems with it, hate to say I told you so! hehe), but women are not as safe here as men are. It is not safe for me to walk alone late at night, I must be escorted by a man. I take a deep breath every time I enter a taxi, hoping to God that he will not tell me he loves me, tries to kiss my hand, says something disgusting to me that I would not repeat. I've been quiet, and shy about it, I didn't want to cause a fuss. But two days ago, two men yelled at me from their car, and I had decided I had enough. Just to be clear, I wore baggy pants, a long sleeve shirt, a scarf wrapped around my hair (because being a white, blonde haired, blue eyed woman also attracts unwanted attention-- only because I look different. But all women constantly get unwanted attention here, no matter what you look like). So I decided to stop being docile and threw up my hands and yelled "shoo biddak??" Next thing I know, the men on the sidewalk in front of me turn around and say "mind fudlik" and have me walk around them. The men in the car looked shocked and stopped and drove away.
I felt amazing.
Wearing my headscarf gives me a sense of ability, that I can go around by myself. People don't immediately know I'm a foreigner, and its great.
So anyways, long story short, I'm not supposed to walk to take a taxi by myself. Last night we went to a movie, and I needed to get home by ten. My family wanted me home by 10, and so by 9:15 I was trying to find a way to get to a taxi. The only way to do so way to was to get a guy to take me out to a taxi. As minutes passed, I felt more and more upset. Why can't I just walk out there by myself? I was struggling with my liberal feminist upbringing and the reality of safety, but I reacted in a way that only put my perception of my un-freedom here. I asked my friend Mike to take me out to a taxi by 9:30, he agreed, and offered many times to go out to taxi, and I just was feeling a burden on men, like my actions were completely dependant on a man. Mike never did anything wrong. I asked if he was sure he would walk me out to a taxi, a few blocks away, and he sarcastically replied, "Well what am I supposed to say, no?"He never meant it in a bad way. He was totally kidding, of course he wanted to take me to a cab. But this killed me. I felt that he didn't see that my whole ability to travel, even leave a room, was not in my hands. I felt I was not responsible for my own body. His comment, although a joke, got to me. I ended up being late to get home and felt terrible because I didn't want to make my family feel badly, or mess up relations by going past my 10pm curfew.
We left all together from the film, because I didn't want to be a burden on anyone, but also knew as a woman it was unsafe for me to leave alone. So we walked in silence, with my scarf wrapped around my hair, to the second circle, and I tried apologizing for being cold to Mike, but I ended up blowing up at him. Basically, all of my confusion and frustration at not being able to be sovereign over my own body was directed to Mike. I think it was good that it happened, because I had no idea how much this was getting to me. Maybe this gets to me more than most because I go to a women's college, where the ability to have ownership over your body and thoughts, and the actions you take, trumps all else.
Sorry this is such a deep post, but I really had to unpack all of this. Driving home from the film after I yelled at Mike, my sister and her boyfriend talked to me. Talking to them made me realize that to feel sovereign over myself here I must adapt. I guess this is what you could call culture shock for a women's college student. Being strong and using my arabic, wearing my headscarf, is really helpful, because these are all my choices, give me a sense of agency that implements change: people treat me with much more respect when I do these things. Also, my sister Sausan told me that it is much safer than we were told at SIT. I know that they are telling us the worst case scenario, and just like in any other part of the world, including southern california, as long as I'm smart about my locations, where I go, and how I dress and act in public, I am more than safe. This goes against liberal feminist critique of 'slut shaming', but here, conforming to cultural norms is what gives me more freedom. Yelling at the taxi cab driver if he is inappropriate, making a scene. Everyone stops making comments as soon as I tell them to stop. I just have to be an agent for myself. I was afraid to do so before in fear that I would insult some cultural difference, I was much too sensitive to this to the point that I wasn't advocating for myself.
That's all for this morning, I'll have a lighter and more fun post soon!
PS, I got to drink a diet coke yesterday, and it made my day. Everything is diet pepsi here, and it is NOT on par with coke. never.
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